I don't profess to know how each of my children feel or felt about things other than what I have observed and seen from them. Each individual in our home owns their own feelings. So this post is from my perspective only. My children might make me edit parts if they read it…hehehe...
Kirsten
Kirsten with her kindergarten teacher.
Austin and Kirsten…I know…bad camera angle….
Kirsten- is 7 now. She is highly sensitive which is a wonderful trait. But really hard when you don't have the time or emotional reserve to work with it. She is always asking if she does …such and such…how will this or that person feel? She is always aware of others feelings, and is devastated if she knows she's made someone feel badly.
When we were just beginning all the Chemo treatments. We were casually talking as we were eating together in the Kitchen. Kirsten had wanted to be a model in Paris when she grows up. She had said that her sister Aubrey could move in with her in an apartment. Auzzy said, "What about me? I want to live there with you too?" She replied, "No, You'll be dead by then." We all froze not knowing what to do, then Austin laughed really hard and we all followed. Of course after we started laughing she realized what she had said and tried to backtrack. Then she felt horrible.
There were times that I would have to drive Austin to chemo right after dropping her off at the school. She would cry and I would fight back the tears as I had to drop her off and leave her unsettled. I think the small moments like those were some of the hardest…and there were many with Kirsten. I have no idea exactly how she felt, I don't think she did either.
Josh-
Josh- just turned 13. He sleeps a lot. He's on the tame and quiet side. He has been very lonely since his brother Tim left. They had shared a room together and when Tim left on his mission last July it was a big deal. Nothing seems to fill the void of Tim being gone. Of course Josh always appears calm, like nothing is wrong, but he has admitted to being very lonely and will sleep on the couch upstairs instead of his bed so he can be with the rest of us at night.
Back when Josh was 12…(Tim and Josh)
Josh doesn't say much. But he stopped eating as much and his grades dropped. Of course I could not make it to Parent teacher conference this year. Both times we were dealing with Cancer treatments and hospital stuff during them. Therefore we did not watch him close like we should have. Needless to say, he wasn't an A student this time.
Josh and Aubrey would tease me, and sometimes ignore me calling each other Mom and Dad. When I would try to speak with them they would tease and say, "Who are you? I don't know you? What's your name?"
I guess I was not only physically absent a lot but emotionally and mentally gone also. Looking back, I wish I could have stayed more aware of each one of my children. It breaks my heart to think they suffered because I wasn't pulling where I needed to be. But today is a new day.
Aubrey-
Aubrey-is determined, hard working, responsible ect, ect, ect! I rely on her a lot. Everyone does. She hadn't cried or been sad about anything. She just dug in and helped where it was needed, as well as keeping up with all her responsibilities at school.
She seemed very strong the whole time. She was shocked however when all her emotions came at once…I'll probably get in trouble for relaying this, so I will try to be careful.
Aubrey didn't want everyone to know about Austin at school. She didn't want too many people asking her questions, nor having her life revolve around Cancer at school, like it was at home. The day of Austin's surgery I told her to call me after she finished a test for school and I would take her to the ICU to see him. (At this point with Austin we were worried that dying was a real possibility,) She finished her test, then asked to use the hall pass to call me. The teacher followed her out and snatched the phone from her hands and said,"If this is all your doing get back in class." Aubrey replied, "You have no idea what's happening with my family right now, I need to call home!"
I'm not sure exactly what was said because I wasn't there but apparently her teacher said, "Oh good grief, it's not like anyone is dying!"
Of course reality then hit her and Aubrey grabbed her phone and ran away sobbing. By the time I picked her up she could not control the sobs. When she finally could talk and she told me, of course I wanted to march in to the school and cause a huge scene!
Having time to reflect on it, I know the teacher would not have said it if she'd have known. According to Aubrey however, that is not something you would say to anyone…ever!…because you never know…
Teachers who have known about our situation have been an incredible support.
Elder Tim Seljaas
Tim with a Donkey in Peru…
He was a strength to me through letters. Aubrey had written him and told him that Dad was no longer the yeller in the house, that Mom was. (I hadn't realized that.) He wrote back and told her to give me a break, that I was probably way stressed out. Of course he said everything much better than I just did. He was always defending me, and letting me know how much he appreciated me.
I know I've talked about Tim before on here, but I'll say it again. There is a huge hole with him gone. He's loud…meaning his normal voice resonates loudly. You are annoyed one minute and laughing the next. He is an on task, smart guy. He forced Josh to read at nights with him all through his High school years. And he was interested in everybody, always going on hikes and had a lot of good friends that would come by the house…I miss them all!
Tim told us he had trouble for about a week. Then he just felt an incredible peace that everything would be ok. I think he was worried about the operation a bit. But talking on Skype helped a lot. So Austin got to talk to him right before his operation and we were able to Skype with him at Christmas. Tim was having a really good time at Christmas. There were Elders in and out and they were all laughing and having fun at the Church house.
Austin…from missionary to Cancer patient….to normal life???...
Austin came home from work just now and told me I wasn't allowed to write on here. He said it with a smile then left to his friend Kade's house…so I guess now I can write about him! I could write a novel about Austin. Emotionally the hardest was missing mission life. ..having it ripped from him. He loved the Mexican people. He would lament and worry about different people they had been working with. With one investigator they were going to his home every day and making him some lemon juice concoction that would make him want to throw up if he tried to smoke a cigarette. It was working, and the man hadn't smoked in 3 days. Then Austin went to the Hospital….
They had 8 people similar to this man that they were preparing to be baptized. He missed their investigators as well as other missionaries.
As a cancer patient he had such a great attitude to begin with. Even after things got really hard he had a good attitude, but he was different. Chemo drugs change you….literally. Austin was my confident, never nervous and extremely social child. Being around people has never made him anxious. Getting up in front of people? Never a problem. There were many side effects from chemo, but the one that we weren't expecting was anxiety. He had never been anxious in his life and all of a sudden he was afraid to talk to people. Of course that is better now that the drugs are out of his system. But it still occasionally happens. Hopefully it will completely disappear in time.
Now Austin has to get on with life. He just applied for admittance to Utah State. He says he can't live at home. He wants to be out on his own. He decided not to do summer security sales. He wasn't having a good feeling about it. He has a job now at a fitness center, and was looking for Cancer scholarships. They are harder to get than we thought. Now he needs knee surgery and a ton of dental work.
His knee keeps popping in and out of place. He said it happened his whole mission and he would just limp to his next appointment.
I'm so proud of his decisions and how strong his spirit is! So excited to see what becomes of him!!!
Kyle and Christina-
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Kyle is 24. Christina is 20. Kyle changed his degree from Engineering to Medicine. Christina changed hers to Nursing.
He hates when we tell people this because so many don't get in to med school, but he gets good grades and he's a driven soul.
Instead of getting emotional, they tend to look for solutions. I can't tell you how many books Kyle read and studied about Cancer. The first week of knowing about Austin he had read like 3 or 4.
Kyle and Christina both have their CNA's and work here in Bountiful, but live in Ogden. They met in Wyoming. Both were there on Soccer scholarships. Kyle had one of those awards they give to College Athletes when you maintain a 4.0…I can't remember what it's called.
I'm proud of his 4.0's but I'm more proud of his most recent 3.7 which he received because he has to work…a lot now. Christina has 2 classes and she has 2 jobs, actually I think 3. She will find out if she was accepted into Nursing school sometime in March.
They want to stay out of debt until med school, and even then they have a plan to keep it to a minimum. Therefore they work, work and more work... Kyle will be finished and ready for med school the same time she is done. His scholarships will end after he has 150 credit hours…and it should. You can't go to school forever…when you change your major like that sacrifices usually have to happen to accomplish your goals.
Pic at Kyle and Christina's wedding…Tim and Austin were on missions.
Steve-
Steve is one of the most consistent, loyal, quietly strong men you will ever meet. I have never been happier about having a money guy for my husband than I was when Cancer happened. I have always taken care of the finances. (Steve doesn't want to deal with it after work.) But with this, he said he would take care of the bills.
However he knows how I am and how I worry and he would make up spreadsheets for me, so I could see what he'd done with them. I knew what had been paid, what hadn't…if he'd made a call on it ect.
He sacrificed his vacation time to be with Austin during Chemo every Friday. He's all out of vacation time now, so we're building it back up. We were looking forward to a planned trip to Crete where my sister lives for our 25 anniversary. And a trip to Disneyland, because the kids have never been. But now we have no vacation time, among other things. This was to be our big trip year…and boy was it a big trip! Who needs Greece or Disneyland…we have our son! Worth every penny:)
When something like this happens Steve says…"Give me a job." And he does it…and he does it well…
He cares so deeply for each of his kids. Every day he proves it over and over by his actions.
Jazz game date night…
Sheri….Me…the effects weren't pretty…literally...
I can't think of much to say about myself right now other than the fact that I hopped on the scale and received a shock. I am fat! I think I ate my way through this mess. Austin would throw up and I would think…"Oh, I'll eat for you!" I seriously gained about 30 pounds…and I already had 30 pounds to lose. IMC had really good lemon pie…Yikes! Austin went from 205 pds to 155 pds. 50 pounds he lost…at least I didn't gain 50! Yay!!!!
I have signed up for a half marathon and I can barley walk! The race is in May and I'm going with my sisters Missy and Annie who run all the time…I'm in trouble! I should mention that Steve runs every other day and is in great shape! I hope opposites still attract….Yikes again!
So I have 60 pounds to lose…and a race to run…get me back on the saddle!!!!
Wow…did I really make it through our whole Family?
